I'm Sorry

“Am I in your way? I’m sorry.” “Could you move so I can get through? Sorry.” “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry.”

I say “I’m sorry” a lot. I’ve said, “I’m sorry” so many times in the past weeks because I’m progressing and things are getting harder. Adam always tells me to “stuff your sorries in a sack.” Meaning, not that he doesn’t accept my apologies, but to shut up about it. I don’t need to be sorry.

By saying, “I’m sorry” to everyone over every little thing, I think I’m really saying, “I’m sorry I have MS.” I’m saying I’m sorry because I am. I am sorry that I’m not able to do the things I used to do, want to do, and can no longer do. Maybe the “I’m sorry” I keep repeating is less an apology than it is me saying, “I’m sad that I have MS.” I know it’s not my fault and I’m doing the best I can. But is it? And am I? The fact that MS doesn’t follow a structured path makes it all the more infuriating. “I’m sorry I don’t know what next year will bring, or even next week, or even tomorrow."

How do you live with this thief of a disease? It won’t let me stop from feeling sorry.  But the trick is to allow ourselves to feel sorry without feeling sorry for ourselves.