MS is Hard

I’ve had a rough couple weeks. I’ve had a couple falls. I have gotten weaker. I don’t know if it’s from the falls – a lack of confidence - or if it’s my MS progressing. I’m more dependent. It’s getting harder. MS is always there. I fight it every day to just do regular things.

I need help with almost everything. This falls to my husband. He is amazing. He always says, “We’ll make it work. We always do.”And we do but then comes the guilt. I see the pressure it puts on him and I want to be better.

One of the hardest things for me to let go of is the idea of my former self. I miss the freedom of going, doing, and seeing whatever whenever I wanted. I think of what I used to do – just last year, in the past few years - things as simple as walking. Could I have changed things? What if…? I long for my past, I distress about my present, and I am scared of my future.

It’s taken me time to accept that resting is a key component to my treatment. I’m not lazy or unmotivated. I am sick. I have to accept that it's okay to listen to my body and do as close to nothing as possible if that's the way I'm feeling. I think it's very important for MS patients to realize this. Some days it's okay to just allow yourself to be a person with a horrible disease who just flat-out doesn't feel good. 

I know it’s healthy and normal to grieve what’s been lost. My grief is cyclical because my MS future is unknown. These are the facts of my reality. It’s a steady process. I'm not giving up. It's just hard.