Guilt

When I was first diagnosed with MS I was relieved. I finally had an answer for what I had been dealing with for 10+ years. But when a chronic illness like MS comes into your life and the lives of those around you, it brings with it many emotions.

I remember doing a lot of things when I was first diagnosed. I had a lot of tests to schedule; I had a lot of prescriptions to fill; I had to learn how to give myself an injection. It was a flurry of things to do. Things to do. When I finally had a chance to sit down and let it sink in that I had MS, I was struck with many emotions such as fear, resentment, self-pity, and guilt.

I had always been prone to guilt. Quick to apologize and make things right. Let’s all be friends. But now there is a new guilt to deal with, MS guilt. Feeling guilty because you have MS is ridiculous. But I did and I do.

A lot of my guilt stems from the unpredictable nature of MS. It is so hard to keep a normal schedule when MS symptoms come and go as they please. I also question myself, “Did I do something to cause this disease? Or “Could I have prevented this progression?”

I feel guilty for what I can no longer do, for what I can no longer be. I think about how I was before. My former life. I'm sorry. Remember when I could take the stairs? Remember when I could walk? Remember a year ago? Remember five years ago?  

There. I felt guilty. And I will feel guilty again. I need to feel these things but then I also need to let them go. Sing a few verses of Let it Be and feel the lyrics. I didn’t do this to me. Let it be.